Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.