[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.