My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You Might Also Like
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Blew out my flip flop…
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.