🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Love is always patient and kind.