paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
repaired
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.