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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Venn
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
translated into Canadian
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude