Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
They got a point!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view