[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Merry Christmas
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.