Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.