[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
smh
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.