DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
LOL
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I only treason on days ending in y
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.