i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Plant care tips
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.