Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Do not go gentle into that good night,
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave