the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
January has been Januweary
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.