Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.