If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
You Might Also Like
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.