The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.