Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.