Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
S M O L
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.