The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do