Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.