If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
You Might Also Like
I identify as an antique shop.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds