Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Every work meeting this week
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
uh oh
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.