*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS