Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
You Might Also Like
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please