Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
(Electricians.)
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus