If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
i think we should see other cousins
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
How software testing works
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My work here is done
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night