Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
WHY?!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
🤣🤣🤣
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?