I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here