When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night