I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Just how popey was the pope today?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.