Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
umm…
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?