*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Has science gone too far?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.