Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
All set.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.