“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
why am I working on Labor Day
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”