I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.