I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes