i dont have time for this
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.