Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
goldfish mafia
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
my first day as a raccoon
🤣
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Finally, a door that understands me
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats