Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”