People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Science memes
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)