Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”