I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
FINE, I WON’T.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?