[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Doggies just call it style.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.