Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/