My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
You Might Also Like
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
starting a garage orchestra