You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it