Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*