Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Pickled cat.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
my nickname in college
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.