At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Worst bar ever.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.